Luke lost a tooth....wait two teeth!

This summer has been fantastic for us all but it has been particularly exciting for Luke. About two weeks into the summer, he lost his first tooth!

Then about a week after that he lost another one! They were so loose that Lyle was able to pop both of them out pretty easily. Luke was so excited and felt so big. I was of course a little sad to see his baby teeth go but he was so happy that I couldn't help but be happy for him. Now lets just hope his big teeth come in as easy as his baby teeth did....for some reason I don't think we will be so lucky!

Luke's end of the year PreK program

This is a bit late but I still wanted to make sure I squeezed it in there since I also posted about Ella's PreK program back in 2011. At the end of PreK, the teachers always organize a special performance for the parents. It is kind of a summary of what the kids learned all year in the form of songs and little readings. It is super cute and we enjoyed it so much.

One day on the way to school, Luke announced that his teacher was going to be picking who was going to have a speaking part in the performance that day at school. He said, "I really hope I get one." When he climbed in the car at the pick up line after school, the first thing he said was, "Mom, I got a speaking part!!" So excited! I think it was such a big deal for him because Ella got one in the PreK program so he wanted to be just like her. His speaking part was: "We learned about Jesus" Ha! Big deal huh! He did say it nice and loud though:)

Afterwards, we took some pics of Luke and his buddies clowning around on stage. They are so funny together. We love you Luke!

Our Eve

Eve would be almost four months now. I have wanted to write this post sooner but was waiting to get to a point where I didn't feel so sad when I thought about her. I am realizing now over three months out that that will most likely never happen. The loss of Eve will always hurt. So, I am here doing it anyways as a tribute to her. This blog is filled with pictures of Ella, Luke and now Annabeth playing and growing but it will never have those pictures of her. These are the only pictures we will ever have so, I need to have this one post dedicated just to her. This is my memory of Eve. Lyle has his own and has dealt with the loss of our daughter in his own way. His memories of her and how he spent those two precious hours with her are for him only to share or not. But I wanted to share what I remember so in the future Annabeth will know her twin sister a little better.

    I asked Dr. Wendel if Eve was alive, he said yes. Lyle said she was very small. 2 lbs. 9 oz, 15.5 inches is all her illness would allow for her body to grow. I heard one small cry from her before Dr. Wendel handed her to the nurses. They weighed her, wrapped her up and quickly gave her to Lyle just as planned. He brought her over to me immediately. This whole pregnancy, I worried about seeing her, how I would feel. Love is all I felt. Total relief that she was alive and with us. I held her for just a moment and kissed her cheek. 
  Lyle held both the babies and waited for me to be ready to be wheeled out into recovery. Once there, my family brought Ella and Luke in and they immediately ran to the babies.  Unfortunately, due to the drugs my memory is rather hazy but I remember very clearly seeing them walk in carrying their bunnies with the biggest smiles on their faces I think I have ever seen. They adored their sisters the moment they saw them and didn't care a bit that Eve was so small.

 I truly believe it was a miracle that so much of our family got to be there to hold Eve before she passed. My sister Jennifer and her family who live three hours away made it in perfect time. Truly amazing. They all got to meet her and make their own connections with her. I can't tell you how important that was to me. I wanted her to be as real to them as she was to me. 

 Once things settled down a bit, our family priest performed their baptism. This moment was so surreal and so peaceful. 

After that, we just waited. We knew she was not going to last much longer. Her breathing was slowing down. Although I deeply wanted my family to hold her, I regret not keeping her to myself and holding her the entire time. How I wish I could go back to those two hours just to hold her again. My arms ache for her. 

Initially, I refused to have any pictures taken of her. I was afraid of how she was going to look. But as the day got closer for her to come I allowed my doctor to make arrangements for a photographer to be there. So thankful I changed my mind. These pictures are not only precious to me but the very act of taking them brought me so much comfort. I can truly say I know what the best moment of my life has been. It was the moment these pictures were taken. I wasn't thinking about Eve's defective heart while they were being taken or how much longer she would live. I was just being her mom. All four of my kids were with me. I was doing what moms do when getting pictures taken of their kids. Arranging the twins so that they were seen in the picture and making sure Ella and Luke were smiling and looking at the camera. My whole family was with me and we were so happy. 

Eve quietly passed away while we held her. Lyle and I both knew it but said nothing to the kids. We waited until they left to go home to talk about it. The nurse asked if we were ready for them to take her but I wanted just a few more moments. I laid her on my lap and completely unwrapped her. I wanted to see every inch of her, to maybe know her better. Her little diaper was so big on her.  I had read that babies with Trisomy 18 often have webbed toes and deformed ears but she had none of these things. Ten perfect toes and two perfect ears. I kissed them. I rubbed her fingers. Trisomy 18 babies have clinched fists meaning that they never open their hands to extend their fingers. I opened her little hands. Lyle and I both stared at her wishing things could be different. In the corner of the room, we could hear Annabeth crying as the nurse gave her a bath. Bubbles all over her body. They didn't clean either one of the babies before giving them to us. We didn't want to waste any time with Eve. Therefore, they were what Luke calls "crusty". After a while someone came in to take Eve. We had decided to have her body cremated. It was so hard to let them take her.  To accept that it was over. I whispered in her ear, "Until we meet again." Knowing that someday I will see her again, makes dying seem not so scary and sort of exciting if that makes sense. 

  The week after we prepared for her funeral. We scheduled to have it the following Wednesday at our church. Lyle spent much of that time talking with the hospital determining when we could get Eve's ashes and trying to find an urn. Picking up his daughter's ashes and carrying them home was very hard for him. He is such a private person that I am actually glad he had to do that alone. A little while later, at one of Luke's Tball games, a guy who had a kid on one of the teams came up to him. Lyle recognized him from the morgue. He told Lyle that he had taken care of Eve's body and just wanted him to know that he "took good care of her and made sure she was respected." So comforting to hear. 

  We were so grateful that our family from Texas came up to attend her funeral. It was great having everyone there to remember her and get to see pictures and share stories of her. It was a small ceremony. My sister framed beautiful pictures of Eve and Annabeth and had them sitting at the altar. Lots of friends had sent flowers. Lyle and I brought pink roses. A priest who came to visit us in the hospital had told us about a family in his parish who lost a child. One way they continued to keep her a part of their lives was by picking a flower that would represent her. We decided on pink roses. Since then, we have had pink roses in our house on special occasions like Easter and Annabeth's official church baptism. They always make me smile when I see them in the grocery store. I know she is always with us. 

  Our priest did the most amazing ceremony. He talked with Lyle and I, and then focused on Ella and Luke, acknowledging their loss and making them feel proud of their sister Eve. He told them to never forget to talk to their sister because she will always be listening. She is our family saint, St. Eve Marie. Luke understood that Eve was gone and often said he wished she was still alive, but Ella really felt it. I learned later that Ella was having a hard time leaving the hospital, leaving Eve, so my sweet brother walked her to the chapel for a few moments. I think our priest's words comforted her so much. To this day, neither one of them ever forgets to include Eve in our family. We will always be a family of 6. 

  We had lunch in the family center after the funeral. It was nice to get to talk with everyone and truly thank them for all their prayers throughout the pregnancy. To tell our priest, Msgr. Malone, thank you. To tell him how his words to us made surviving this pregnancy and her death seem possible. A couple weeks after I found out about Eve's condition,  I went to him for counseling. I never could of imagined how he would devote himself to making sure we were ok. Thank you just simply isn't enough.  I can't completely describe it but I felt a weight lifted from my shoulders after her funeral. She was finally healthy and we didn't have to worry about her anymore. Up until that point, Lyle and I were struggling with her loss....trying to understand why. One thing I do know is that Eve has brought me closer to my faith in a way nothing else ever could have. I never expected that and I will not forget it.  I hope she has had some effect on others as well. 

  Thank you to everyone who prayed for us during this time. We felt your prayers and your love. It is what pulled us through. Losing our daughter was such a horrible experience but through it we realized how lucky we are here.  Not only for our three beautiful children and our thoughtful family and friends but for each second of everyday. For each moment that we are healthy and our hearts are beating strong. For each moment we know that the ones we love are healthy, happy and safe. We now truly understand how quickly it could all change. We feel that is Eve's message.

We love you, Eve, so much and miss you every single day. Please pray for us, my sweet baby.